Let The Journey Begin

Well, after much coaxing my daughter came home. (she was the one doing the coaxing) She has been home for a week now. Seems all the promises she made of improving her attitude and pulling her weight around the house were just talk. Why am I not surprised? My husband is angry and throws it in my face every opportunity he gets. I am trying the best I can but sometimes there is just so much on my plate I cant do it all.

So far my life has been chaotic this year. Along with all the stuff from my daughter, my best friend left her boyfriend and came out to stay with me along with her 4 children. I couldn't have been more thrilled. I hadn't seen her in two years and missed her dearly. The plan initially was that she was moving here and going to stay in town. I really enjoyed having her here, I wasnt lonely at all and always had someone to talk to. She is a sister to me and I love her dearly. She however did choose to go back and make another attempt with her boyfriend. I am sad that she isn't here anymore, but I wish her all the best and know I will see her again soon as she is making plans to visit this summer.

My husband quit his job. I support him fully in this as there was so very unpleasant things going on at his place of employment. Being in the aircraft business, everything he did affected alot of people, and when the higher ups were asking him to do things that were not legal or safe, that put alot of pressure on him. Amazingly enough, he has been offered a number of jobs since quitting. He however is unsure if he wants to continue in that line of work. I am confident that we will get through this and everything will be ok.

My daughter had her first OB visit. She is 8 weeks along and due on Aug 23, just in time for her sweet 16. "Happy Birthday, here's your crib" I am not in shock anymore and I have accepted the whole situation. I know that this event will change her life drastically and she will grow up whether she wants to or not. On the dark side of this, if I have another child to raise, I won't give it a second thought. My daughter has no plans of ever returning to see her father. She is so angry. I don't blame her as he told her she didn't have a choice of returning home unless it was without the baby. He has been making every effort to get her child.

So that is the scoop with me!

December, a very long month...

Not really sure where to start at this point. I have been in emotional turmoil for the past three weeks. We lost my grandfather-in-law in the beginning of the month. He was a very good man, kind and giving. He was a retired fire fighter. I have been working on a photo slide show for the memorial service which will be sometime in January.

In October, we had a litter of golden retriever puppies. Since my male is getting up there in age we decided that we were going to keep one of this litter. Well, we fell in love with two of them and ending up keeping two little girls. They were the sweetest things and loved dearly. However, last week they became very ill and we don't know what from. I spent hours around the clock nursing them with a syringe to keep them hydrated and medicated hoping to save them, to which my efforts did not pay off. We lost them. My animals are very much part of my family and they come in right after my children as to how I feel about them. It was a very devastating loss for me since I had watched them come into this world, watched them grow for 10 weeks and made every attempt to save them that I possibly could.

News from my daughter.....well she did come home for a few days before she left to go visit her dad across the country. We were attempting to work things out as a family, starting to make a plan. Originally I had spoken to her dad and had made the decision to keep her with him. Without specifically telling her this, we talked about the possibility of her staying and she made it clear that over her dead body would she stay there with him and his wife. So rather than have to worry about her hitchiking cross country to get back here, I was going to let her come home and work out details of what to do when she returned. However, a huge monkey wrench was thrown into that plan when she called xmas eve morning. "Mom, are you sitting down?" Good thing I was, because she is pregnant. It has been three days of phone calls between her and I and her father and I. He wants her to stay there, in fact he is refusing to let her come home. I have mixed emotions on this. On the emotional side I am a little upset because I believe that she should be with her mother at this time and she needs me. But on the logical side, I have two small children and I sure can't afford financially or mentally to take care of another. If her father wants to take that responsibility, then I guess I am more than happy to let him. She is not happy with the decision at all. I had to explain to her that it's not that I dont want her, but the fact that the best interest of her and the baby would be for her to stay there. This is going to be a very long nine months.

Is it 2007 yet?

Weekly Review ~ Dec 3rd

Well for the most part a very uneventful week. It was quiet, peaceful and no stress at all. Since my daughter had pretty much cleaned out her room, I finished it up throwing a whole bunch of trash out. Her room is empty except for furniture. The younger two children have taken it over as a playroom since our actual playroom has little heat and it has been very cold here lately. My 4 yr old wants to make it her room, but I am not ready to do that just yet. That would mean it's the end. She's never coming back. I can't face that right now. She calls me almost every day to check in and tell me she loves me.

Something I left out of the last entry was the fact that she is going to visit her dad who lives across the country in a couple of weeks. It was supposed to be for christmas break, but he wants her to stay. I would feel safer with her there, but it's so far I would never get to see her. She would also be very upset at staying, she doesnt want to be that far away either.

I just don't understand why life has to be so damn complicated. I feel like I am choosing my husband over my own child. He has played a very big part in getting our family to this point and is NOT an innocent bystander. In fact, I hold him more accountable because he is the adult and should have known better on many, many occasions. We have been together for almost 7 years now and he has never once shown her any affection or treated her nicely. He has belittled her, been cold to her and treated her like a nuisance. She is not entirely innocent in this either. I never asked her to like him, I only asked her to respect him and not fight with him. She choose to do the opposite. She pushed his buttons and cussed at him, made fun of him while he was drunk (which was funny, but you dont want a child in THAT crossfire!)

I am just not sure I am making the right decision. I am stuck in the middle and to tell you the truth, I miss her. My husband has cut down on his drinking, some. But he kept telling me his drinking was because of her (I never bought that, just an excuse) and now she isnt here, it's just another excuse. In my opinion, the excuse is that he can't deal with real life like an adult, so he chooses to drown himself in alcohol. I feel like I deserve so much better, and my children deserve so much better. I have begged, pleaded and ignored his drinking, I just can't do it anymore.

So, although I am at peace this week, my health is much better and I feel like I am thinking more clearly, I am still confused.

Week In Review ~ November 26

Well, this has been an eventful week. Let's start with last Saturday. My teen asked to go out to a show which ends typically around 2am and I occasionally let her because it's something special. So this time her friend was staying with us and I spoke to her mother assuring her that I knew the adult they were going to be with and I have let my daughter go before. Mistake #1 on my part. The show was cancelled and instead of the girls calling me and letting me know this, they decided to go to a friends house and party. My daughter, her friend and another girl came home at 3 am drunk and puking all over my house. I was very angry and grounded my daughter promptly. This coming on the heels of my daughter not being in school for over two months. First she was withdrawn due to medical reasons, and then when I tried to re enroll her they told me that she had missed too much of that block to pass and couldn't return until Jan 8. Throughout this time she had her attitude in full force along with the laziness of laying on the couch doing nothing. I had just about had my fill.

Monday night, another day of her doing nothing, which my husband had enough of as well. He went to open her door to see if her room was clean (she said it was) and she ran behind him pushing him into the door frame. He cuffed her upside the back of the head. This started a physical altercation in which my husband took a good number of punches from my 15 yr old daughter. To defend himself, he had cuffed her upside the head again. I was in shock at this point and all I could think to do was call the police. Once they arrived, they interviewed all of us. They determined that my daughter was the cause of the situation and did more of the assaulting than my husband did. But they did say if they had to come back, they were going to arrest him.

I don't know how my family has become so chaotic. I try to do the best for everyone, but little by little I am losing ground and getting lost in the process. As of Wednesday, still no clean room along with a number of other chores left undone I let loose. I was calm in my reasoning with her, but she still flew off the handle and began yelling and cussing at me. This day was hard for me anyway as I found out I had pneumonia and had a second biopsy for cervical cancer. I let her know that if she did not get her crap together it was very possible she could be removed from our household because she was violent to all of us including my 4 yr old daughter and this environment is just not healthy for the two younger children. After thinking about this in her room for a few minutes, she informed me she was leaving. She packed her duffel bag and walked out of the house.

Now yes, I did call the police. They came 6 hours later to take the run away report. They told me that all they could do is bring her home. That is the last thing I want at this point. She is staying at a friends house right now and is supposed to go visit her dad 2,000 miles away on Dec 19.

There is so much going through my head at the moment. My house has been so peaceful since she left. I can see a huge difference in the way my younger two children are behaving. The tension in the house is gone. No one is walking on eggshells wondering when the crap is going to hit the fan. I feel I have done all I can to help my daughter through her behavior issues. I can no longer control her. I don't want to give up, I swore I never would, but where do you go when there is no rope left? At this point I feel as if I am sacrificing the one for the greater good.

Let's see what next week brings....

The Line

As a mother, the process of creating life and giving birth has instilled the instict to protect my young. It is only natural to want to protect my children from the outside world, but at some point I began having to protect them from the very people who are supposed to be on their side. I cannot protect them from their peers or even from what happens in their very own minds when they begin to have negative, self-destructive thoughts.

I am finding it difficult to define a line not to cross when it comes to discipline. That line of being the parent and not their friend. The two men I have had in my life think I am not harsh or strict enough with the children. However, I have trouble being strict when I have to protect my children from thier own fathers.

Everything I have read and know about parenting advises that the parents need to present a united front when it comes to the boundaries for the children. I can not be united when I don't agree with the behaviors that I observe from these men. Instead I realize that I am the only stable parent my children have and I have to coddle their self esteem that gets shot down on a daily basis. My children have learned that their fathers are not dependable and there is always something more important to them.

Because of all the years I have spent doing this I just don't have the energy to be strict and consistent. The line I am not supposed to cross has become nothing but a blur. Not only do my children not respect their fathers, they do not respect me for the choices I have made. Sometimes I am so depressed at how my life is and the fact that I do not respect me for the choices I have made, that it is easier to let them get away with things.

Even though I thought I was doing my best at being a good, stable parent, my kids continue to prove to me that it just isn't enough.

What Addicts Do...

I found this on an Al-Anon site and it struck home with me. I read it occasionally and remember that this is my husband talking.

My name is _____! I am an addict and this is what addicts do. You can not and will not change my behavior. You can not make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about is my needs and how to go about fullfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth because love is impossible for someone who is in active addiction. i wouldn't be using if I loved myself, since I don't, I cannot love you!
My feelings are so pushed down and numbered by my drugs that I could be considered a sociopath. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior will not change and cannot change until I make a decision to stop drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again.
Stop being surprised!
I AM AN ADDICT AND THAT'S WHAT ADDICTS DO!

Prices

Nothing could have prepared her for the phone call she just received. She stood there still as if glued to the floor. Her knees locked with a look of disbelief on her face. The officer on the other end of the line explained there had been an accident involving her husband and another vehicle. As he gave her the details of what she needed to do nothing registered in her brain but the words "dead" and "killed".

Kat was a beautiful modest woman who only wanted the simple things in life. A good husband, a nice home, and a family full of love and security. She never got that, but she did the best she could with what she had. Nick's pastime was drinking. Always had been, since the day they met. Since she married him, she had been living a life of seclusion and loneliness. He controlled her every move and when she did something he didn’t like, she got beat for it. Life lessons he called them. But she believed she loved him desperately and he was the only man she had ever been with.

When she hung up the phone she fell to her knees and sobbed. Why was she crying, she thought. This was bound to happen. Nick didn’t care about anyone but himself and he made that known every chance he got. He was the king of his castle and if you question his authority you would pay with blood or bone. Kat was not crying for her loss, she was crying for the other family, the loss of their daughter. Nick had finally done it, not only did he pay the ultimate price for his addiction, but he took down an innocent young woman with him.

Kat had to compose herself, the children would be home from school within the next half hour. Luckily she had her neighbor who was a good friend and could stay with the kids when she went to identify the body. “The body”. Those words echoed in her head. Nick was no longer referred to as her husband, the man she loved to hate, but as an object.

When Kat arrived at the Medical Examiners office she was escorted down a long corridor through double doors. The walls were painted the color of steel, the floor was cement and it was cold. The only sound to be heard was the clip clop of her sandals and the beating of her own heart. She stood in front of a window and waited for the curtain to open. His face was covered in dried blood. There were cuts all over from being thrown through the windshield. She nodded yes and a single tear rolled down her cheek. She was going through a mix of emotions. The last time she was in this sterile of an environment she was being treated for the side effects of one of Nick’s life lessons.

“Where are my socks?” he yelled from the closet. Fear engulfed Kat as she realized that she had forgotten to do the load of laundry this morning. Things had been hectic with getting the kids ready for school and she was classroom Mom for the day. She didn’t know what to tell him as either way she knew what was going to happen. She sent the kids to their rooms and went to meet her fate. She tried to explain that she didn’t have time to get to it earlier, but would do it now. That wasn’t good enough for Nick. He grabbed her by her hair and slammed her face into the door frame. When she fell to the floor he kicked her in the ribs. He screamed at her that she was useless and a whore. She stood up and he pushed her back down to the floor. Kat didn’t cry or fight back any more because she knew that would only prolong the beatings.

At the front desk the clerk gave her a clear plastic bag containing Nick’s personal effects. Keys, wallet, cell phone, watch and wedding ring. She signed for it and shoved it in her purse and turned to leave. The sound of a man crying caused her to turn and look. He was in his mid 20’s, tall and handsome. An older couple was trying to console him, parents maybe. At this moment Kat realized that this was the husband of the young woman involved in the accident with Nick. As much as she wanted to reach out and apologize for their loss, embarrassment caused her to leave quickly.

The drive home was spent trying to figure out how to tell the children. How was she going to explain this? So young at five and seven she just didn’t know if she would be able to find the right words and not break down in front of them. She had to stay strong for their sake, she was all they had left. Not the best father in the world, but never did he lay a hand on them as he did her.

Sounds of a newborn’s cry filled the room. Erin had a great set of lungs. When the nurse laid Erin on Kat’s stomach and she stared into her daughter’s eyes, she knew her life suddenly took on a whole new meaning. The look of pride on Nick’s face was something she had never seen before. And if only for a moment, Kat had a glimpse of how normal their life could be. She only wished that Nick would look at her so adoringly. They now had their first child and all she longed for was happy life.

With fast food in hand Kat was greeted happily at the door. Fast food was a treat for the kids since Nick never let them have it. It was Kat’s job to cook. Although the kids went on about their day at the table, they knew something was wrong, but they also knew that Kat would tell them when she was ready. So far nothing was out of the norm for them except that Mom didn’t pick them up from school and they got fast food for dinner. Nick never ate with them anyway, so his presence was yet to be missed.

After the nightly routine was complete Kat sat the kids down to let them know what had happened. She spoke softly and the words came easier than she thought they would and without emotion. The children showed a slight look of sadness. The strange thing was that they had to look to Kat for the ok to express any emotion. Feelings were expressed openly and in the end, as long as they had eachother, they all knew they would be fine.

When the kids were asleep, Kat went out to the porch. Numbness was all she felt. Going through the details in her head of what she needed to do so Nick could be laid to rest. At last not only would Nick be at peace, but she would be as well. And the thought of never having to endure another beating at hands of the one she loved, finally brought tears to Kat’s eyes.