December, a very long month...

Not really sure where to start at this point. I have been in emotional turmoil for the past three weeks. We lost my grandfather-in-law in the beginning of the month. He was a very good man, kind and giving. He was a retired fire fighter. I have been working on a photo slide show for the memorial service which will be sometime in January.

In October, we had a litter of golden retriever puppies. Since my male is getting up there in age we decided that we were going to keep one of this litter. Well, we fell in love with two of them and ending up keeping two little girls. They were the sweetest things and loved dearly. However, last week they became very ill and we don't know what from. I spent hours around the clock nursing them with a syringe to keep them hydrated and medicated hoping to save them, to which my efforts did not pay off. We lost them. My animals are very much part of my family and they come in right after my children as to how I feel about them. It was a very devastating loss for me since I had watched them come into this world, watched them grow for 10 weeks and made every attempt to save them that I possibly could.

News from my daughter.....well she did come home for a few days before she left to go visit her dad across the country. We were attempting to work things out as a family, starting to make a plan. Originally I had spoken to her dad and had made the decision to keep her with him. Without specifically telling her this, we talked about the possibility of her staying and she made it clear that over her dead body would she stay there with him and his wife. So rather than have to worry about her hitchiking cross country to get back here, I was going to let her come home and work out details of what to do when she returned. However, a huge monkey wrench was thrown into that plan when she called xmas eve morning. "Mom, are you sitting down?" Good thing I was, because she is pregnant. It has been three days of phone calls between her and I and her father and I. He wants her to stay there, in fact he is refusing to let her come home. I have mixed emotions on this. On the emotional side I am a little upset because I believe that she should be with her mother at this time and she needs me. But on the logical side, I have two small children and I sure can't afford financially or mentally to take care of another. If her father wants to take that responsibility, then I guess I am more than happy to let him. She is not happy with the decision at all. I had to explain to her that it's not that I dont want her, but the fact that the best interest of her and the baby would be for her to stay there. This is going to be a very long nine months.

Is it 2007 yet?

Weekly Review ~ Dec 3rd

Well for the most part a very uneventful week. It was quiet, peaceful and no stress at all. Since my daughter had pretty much cleaned out her room, I finished it up throwing a whole bunch of trash out. Her room is empty except for furniture. The younger two children have taken it over as a playroom since our actual playroom has little heat and it has been very cold here lately. My 4 yr old wants to make it her room, but I am not ready to do that just yet. That would mean it's the end. She's never coming back. I can't face that right now. She calls me almost every day to check in and tell me she loves me.

Something I left out of the last entry was the fact that she is going to visit her dad who lives across the country in a couple of weeks. It was supposed to be for christmas break, but he wants her to stay. I would feel safer with her there, but it's so far I would never get to see her. She would also be very upset at staying, she doesnt want to be that far away either.

I just don't understand why life has to be so damn complicated. I feel like I am choosing my husband over my own child. He has played a very big part in getting our family to this point and is NOT an innocent bystander. In fact, I hold him more accountable because he is the adult and should have known better on many, many occasions. We have been together for almost 7 years now and he has never once shown her any affection or treated her nicely. He has belittled her, been cold to her and treated her like a nuisance. She is not entirely innocent in this either. I never asked her to like him, I only asked her to respect him and not fight with him. She choose to do the opposite. She pushed his buttons and cussed at him, made fun of him while he was drunk (which was funny, but you dont want a child in THAT crossfire!)

I am just not sure I am making the right decision. I am stuck in the middle and to tell you the truth, I miss her. My husband has cut down on his drinking, some. But he kept telling me his drinking was because of her (I never bought that, just an excuse) and now she isnt here, it's just another excuse. In my opinion, the excuse is that he can't deal with real life like an adult, so he chooses to drown himself in alcohol. I feel like I deserve so much better, and my children deserve so much better. I have begged, pleaded and ignored his drinking, I just can't do it anymore.

So, although I am at peace this week, my health is much better and I feel like I am thinking more clearly, I am still confused.

Week In Review ~ November 26

Well, this has been an eventful week. Let's start with last Saturday. My teen asked to go out to a show which ends typically around 2am and I occasionally let her because it's something special. So this time her friend was staying with us and I spoke to her mother assuring her that I knew the adult they were going to be with and I have let my daughter go before. Mistake #1 on my part. The show was cancelled and instead of the girls calling me and letting me know this, they decided to go to a friends house and party. My daughter, her friend and another girl came home at 3 am drunk and puking all over my house. I was very angry and grounded my daughter promptly. This coming on the heels of my daughter not being in school for over two months. First she was withdrawn due to medical reasons, and then when I tried to re enroll her they told me that she had missed too much of that block to pass and couldn't return until Jan 8. Throughout this time she had her attitude in full force along with the laziness of laying on the couch doing nothing. I had just about had my fill.

Monday night, another day of her doing nothing, which my husband had enough of as well. He went to open her door to see if her room was clean (she said it was) and she ran behind him pushing him into the door frame. He cuffed her upside the back of the head. This started a physical altercation in which my husband took a good number of punches from my 15 yr old daughter. To defend himself, he had cuffed her upside the head again. I was in shock at this point and all I could think to do was call the police. Once they arrived, they interviewed all of us. They determined that my daughter was the cause of the situation and did more of the assaulting than my husband did. But they did say if they had to come back, they were going to arrest him.

I don't know how my family has become so chaotic. I try to do the best for everyone, but little by little I am losing ground and getting lost in the process. As of Wednesday, still no clean room along with a number of other chores left undone I let loose. I was calm in my reasoning with her, but she still flew off the handle and began yelling and cussing at me. This day was hard for me anyway as I found out I had pneumonia and had a second biopsy for cervical cancer. I let her know that if she did not get her crap together it was very possible she could be removed from our household because she was violent to all of us including my 4 yr old daughter and this environment is just not healthy for the two younger children. After thinking about this in her room for a few minutes, she informed me she was leaving. She packed her duffel bag and walked out of the house.

Now yes, I did call the police. They came 6 hours later to take the run away report. They told me that all they could do is bring her home. That is the last thing I want at this point. She is staying at a friends house right now and is supposed to go visit her dad 2,000 miles away on Dec 19.

There is so much going through my head at the moment. My house has been so peaceful since she left. I can see a huge difference in the way my younger two children are behaving. The tension in the house is gone. No one is walking on eggshells wondering when the crap is going to hit the fan. I feel I have done all I can to help my daughter through her behavior issues. I can no longer control her. I don't want to give up, I swore I never would, but where do you go when there is no rope left? At this point I feel as if I am sacrificing the one for the greater good.

Let's see what next week brings....